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Southern etiquette is ingrained in many of us from childhood, but being a Southerner is about far more than knowing which fork to use at a dinner party. Here, we asked our resident Southern woman, Cynthia, to chime in and answer some questions about modern etiquette. Read on for expert advice on everything from navigating tricky conversations with loved ones to using classic Southern phrases.
Q. I had dinner with some friends and family recently. At one point in the evening, the conversation turned to a controversial subject. Things got a bit tense, and no one knew what to say next. Next time, how can I gracefully change the subject?
A. In social settings, it is generally wise to steer clear of controversial topics whenever possible. However, they tend to get brought up from time to time. When they do, practicing a bit of thoughtful etiquette can help you navigate the situation. If the conversation begins to grow tense, look for an opportunity to quickly and politely redirect it before the moment turns awkward. One approach is to bridge the discussion to safer ground with, “That reminds me …,” which subtly transitions the discussion. You could also introduce a bit of light humor to break the tension and help it to naturally shift to a different subject. If you’re comfortable with it, you can respectfully set boundaries while also validating their point of view (“We may not agree on that, but I respect your opinion”). However you choose to handle it, it is usually best to guide the conversation along to more lighthearted matters.
Q. A friend recently told me it was rude to say things like “Bless your heart.” I’ve grown up saying it my whole life and have always used it to convey sympathy and validation. How should I move forward without offending anyone?
A. I probably say “Bless your heart” at least 10 times per day! Those who were raised in the South (or have lived here for any length of time) likely grew up hearing it, along with many other familiar Southern phrases. In most cases, these expressions are part of our region’s warm conversational style and are meant to convey kindness, sympathy, or gentle reassurance. That said, these bits of Southern “sweet talk” can sometimes carry a different meaning depending on the situation. While often sincere, a phrase like “Bless your heart” may be interpreted as condescending if it’s said in response to someone who has done something embarrassing, made a mistake, etc.
Your friend may have misinterpreted your intention, or perhaps you misread the situation. My advice is to simply remain mindful of the context and tone. When spoken with genuine warmth and care, these time-honored expressions can still convey the gracious spirit they were always meant to share.
Q. My husband and I are celebrating our anniversary next month at our favorite upscale restaurant. I plan to dress up, but he rarely elevates his attire for special occasions. I want our evening to feel truly memorable, with both of us looking our best. How can I explain why it’s important to me that he dresses up without making him feel criticized?
A. There may be a variety of reasons your husband doesn’t like to dress up, but the key is to approach the topic with warmth and understanding. You can share with him how much the anniversary means to you and explain that looking your best will help both of you feel confident, enjoy the evening fully, and capture beautiful memories in photos. Frame it as a way to make the night feel truly special, rather than as criticism.
If you prefer to avoid a direct conversation for now, consider gifting him a new dress shirt, slacks, or a complete ensemble for the occasion. Presenting it as a gift removes the pressure of choosing what to wear and encourages him to embrace dressing up while keeping the focus on celebrating together.
Q. One of my goals for the rest of the year is to feel more put together when I leave the house. While I know there’s nothing wrong with keeping things casual or makeup-free, I’ve noticed I’m personally more productive and happier when I put some effort into my look. What are some simple, achievable ways to elevate my daily appearance?
A. A helpful place to begin is by envisioning the version of yourself you wish to present to the world, and then gradually stepping into that role. Consider how that person might dress, style her hair, and carry herself, and let those small choices guide your own routine.
One simple rule I like to abide by is to make sure at least one element (hair, makeup, or outfit) feels particularly well put together before you head out the door. That small effort can make a surprising difference in how confident you feel.
Finally, if you’re ever unsure of what to wear, matching sets (for example: joggers and a sweatshirt for a trip to the store or blazer and slacks for the office) or simple dresses are wonderful solutions. They minimize decision-making while still creating a polished, intentional look that helps you feel ready for the day.
Q. A close family friend is going through a hard time and was venting to me about her situation. During the conversation, I brought up a time I was in a similar situation and she seemed irritated. I just wanted to relate to her and help her to see that I understand – is that wrong?
A. Many of us have done the very same thing, and your intentions were almost certainly kind. When someone we care about is hurting, it’s natural to want to relate by sharing a similar experience of our own. However, when a person is in the midst of venting, they are often seeking a listening ear more than a comparison of stories. In those moments, it can feel to them as though the focus has shifted away from their feelings. In my many years of experience, I’ve found that the most gracious response is to listen attentively, offer empathy, and allow your friend the space to fully express herself without interruption or advice. If she later asks what you think or how she should handle the situation, that may be the perfect time to gently share your experience. The greatest kindness is simply letting someone have their moment to be heard.
